Since being diagnosed with depression it seems I just want to spend all my time with Max (my boyfriend). It’s like he is the only person that makes me feel safe, and although he struggles to know what to do and sometimes is not there for me as much as he should be, he makes me the happiest person I can be at the moment.
By saying that he isn’t there for me as much as he should be is a bit mean. He does try his hardest (I promise) but I think its just hard for him to completely understand my though process at the moment and how I am truly feeling. He constantly showers me with compliments and makes me feel loved 100% of the time, it’s nice knowing that someone loves you that much and appreciates everything about you (even if you are damaged at the moment).
No I am not going to bang on about how Im guilty about having depression and making my boyfriend hate me half the time with my bad mood and the need for a lot of personal space and the fact that he has to put up with me crying pretty much all of the time.
No the real reason I am feeling like such a terrible girlfriend is because I am stopping my boyfriend from going out and enjoying himself because I am a needy emotional mess.
He puts me before everything, I don’t ask him too but he just does it without thinking. When I am feeling bad he will cancel any plans, even come home from work just to be with me or to make sure I am okay. Which gets me onto last weekend when he wanted to go out with his friends. This instantly put me in a bad mood (Im needy and want my boyfriend all to myself at the moment, so shoot me!!!!), I tell him I am feeling shit and all of a sudden he isn’t going out with his friends and instead we are going to have a chilled night in together.
Okay so its not just the fact Im feeling down at the moment. His male friends are drug takers who go out every weekend and cheat on their girlfriends (everything I hate in boys), and the female’s he either finds very attractive (and does not hide this from me) or are willing to be the females that the lads cheat on his girlfriends with. So I feel extremely uncomfortable with him going out with these people when Im so emotional, paranoid and feeling very very shitty about myself. When he is around these people he becomes this ‘typical boys boy’ which he certainly is not (one of the many qualities that I like about him) which makes me not trust him at all. Its not that I don’t trust him, if he went out with some of his other friends I would have 100% trust for him but its just his friends and his behaviour around them that I do not trust.
He said that he didn’t mind staying in but what 21 year old boy does not want to go out with his mates on a Saturday and drink so much he can hardly stand? He said that he didn’t mind because he got to have a night in with me but lets be honest we pretty much live together now so he gets to do that all the time.
This weekend he is going out. The funny thing is that this week has been horrendous for me, Ive been really down and having thought of harming myself. Its got so bad that I have decided to go back home for a few days so I can be surrounded by my family and friends. Obviously the thought of him going out is making me feel nauseous and part of me is angry that he isn’t being there for me, that he doesn’t think this weekend I need him more than ever.. I will never tell him that I don’t want him to go out and that I am so upset he hasn’t changed his mind about going out. I know that my depression should not stop him from enjoying his life and doing the things that he likes but does he have a responsibility to be there for me this weekend (especially because we haven’t spent any time together- just us- for a while) or am I just being a bad girlfriend?