Mental Health Awareness Week

As some of you may know its Mental health awareness Week. According to a survey conducted by nearly two-thirds of people say they have experienced a meantal health problemthey also found that 4 in 10 people say they have experienced depression and that over 1/4 of people have experienced panic attacks. The world health organization have discovered 1 in 4 people in the world will be affected by mental or neurological disorders at some point in their lives.

I am apart of these statistics, Ive experienced both depression and panic attacks on a daily basis. Im not sure exactly when the pinpoint moment was that it all started or what even started my downwards spiral.. it just crept up on me and before I knew it I was giving up on the things I loved because I couldnt be bothered anymore or because my anxiety was so intense I couldnt bring myself to do them.

I think the contributing factors for my mental health problems was money stresses and illhealth.. it was like a big vicious circle that I couldnt get out. Being a university student money gets tough but when you have to intermit due to illhealth and not recieve your loans and not being able to work to make money it gets even tougher. Eventually my physical health became stable enough for me to return back to work but then because I needed the money I was working constantly and putting my body under stress which in turn resulted in me becoming very ill again.. yep you got it, more time off work getting the minimum statutory sick pay. I am pretty sure that is the starting point but I cannot be sure.

I headed back to university and started my placement on a day surgery unit. I loved this placement so much and found it so interesting. For a while it seemed to improve my mental health because I was doing something that I was enjoying and then slowly I found that I was having panic attacks more regularly, I was struggling getting out of bed and I had completely lost my appetite. I started to make up excuses to my family, blaming my lack of eating on feeling unwell. I would hide my panic attacks and would find myself crying myself to sleep at night.. that was when I could actually sleep of course. It was like my mind would never shut off, I was overthinking everything in my life and making up bad situations in my head that didnt exsist in real life.

After a few weeks at my placement I found it was impossible to bring myself to go into the building, I would drive into the car park and have panic attacks at the thought of having to be around people for 13 hours and having to pretend that I was happy. Working them long shifts was tiring enough but when you have to put on a brave face and act like youre not wanting to cry and shout is exhausting. I found that placement was also starting to affect my self-esteem. Seeing other student nurses learning and coping with it all seemed so unfair and made me feel like I was failure for not coping as well as they were. So I stopped going, started to lie to my family.. “oh they sent me home early”, “I dont feel very well”, “my mentor isnt in today so they sent me home”. I didnt want my family to know how down I was, they were all so proud of what I was achieving at university and proud of how well I was doing that I felt guilty for not coping as well as they thought I was.  I stopped all contact with my placement, didnt tell them that I was struggling and ignored all contact from my university.

When the time come I stupidly forged my mentors signiture. I know how wrong this was but I was so scared that I would get into trouble for not attending placement, scared of having to face the way I was feeling and scared that I would lose my place at university. Ive always wanted to be a nurse, everything I have ever done is to help me qualify to become a nurse so the thought of losing it all was terrifying. Obviously, signing someones signiture is a serious offence and it almost cost me my place at university.. luckily they were understanding. It was due to these actions I was forced to open up about my mental health. I guess its right when people say they dont want to open up because of the stigma that is linked to having depression.. nurses are suppose to be able to cope with everything that is thrown their way arent they, so what sort of nurse would I be if I couldnt cope as a student?

I told my university about everything, I told my family and visited the doctors for support. I was put on a number of different antidepressants, some made me feel worse and I would think about self harm and sucide but evntually they found the right tablets for me. I am now taking sertraline which has helped me feel a lot better, I opted not to attend counciloring sessions because opening up is something that I really struggle with. I felt that with the support of my family and the university I have made positive movements. Obviously there are still days when I feel down and drained and have the odd panic attack but they are not as often now and if I am feeling down I know there are people around me that I can talk to. I know I am not alone, and thats why I have decided to open up to you all about my experience so if youre struggling you too will know that you are not alone.


A well needed break

I am sorry that I have not been very active on here recently. Ive been battling some personal issues and decided that I needed to have a break from social media and blogging for a few weeks in order to get my life and my mental health back on track. I am finally starting to feel a lot better and have sorted my head out with all uneccessary thoughts and feelings.

So I am back and while I have been gone I have been working on a few posts that I hope you will enjoy! I have decided that with it being Mental Health Awareness Week to open up about my own battle with depression and anxiety that nearly cost me my whole future career (so stay tuned!)


Self Goals

This year I am determined to better myself. Im determined to get a job, do well at university and to get fit. I suppose this is the usual post that you would see in January about new years resolution that more often than not people do not stick too. but this year I am determined. 

I have waited to do this post for a number of reasons. One was because during January I did not know where my life was heading. I had a hearing at university to determine whether I could continue with my studies for a number of reasons, one of them being my mental state. Luckily for me the university has decided to keep me on and have been very supportive of the things I have been experiencing.

With all of that out the way I can now start focusing on the positive things in my life. I am determine to get fit in order to help my self confidence and to help me overcome my depression (apparently working out and keeping fit helps with recovery).

In order to keep positive and to become the best person I can be I have decided to start setting daily goals which I am going to share with you all (Im using my lovely followers to keep me motivated). Im aware that these goals might just be little steps and quite boring but everyday will be a little more progress to becoming the person I want to be!

Todays Goals: 

  • Work out
  • Take Sydney for a walk
  • Go for a run
  • Clean the house
  • Apply for jobs



Am I a Bad Girlfriend?

Since being diagnosed with depression it seems I just want to spend all my time with Max (my boyfriend). It’s like he is the only person that makes me feel safe, and although he struggles to know what to do and sometimes is not there for me as much as he should be, he makes me the happiest person I can be at the moment.

By saying that he isn’t there for me as much as he should be is a bit mean. He does try his hardest (I promise) but I think its just hard for him to completely understand my though process at the moment and how I am truly feeling. He constantly showers me with compliments and makes me feel loved 100% of the time, it’s nice knowing that someone loves you that much and appreciates everything about you (even if you are damaged at the moment).

No I am not going to bang on about how Im guilty about having depression and making my boyfriend hate me half the time with my bad mood and the need for a lot of personal space and the fact that he has to put up with me crying pretty much all of the time.

No the real reason I am feeling like such a terrible girlfriend is because I am stopping my boyfriend from going out and enjoying himself because I am a needy emotional mess. 

He puts me before everything, I don’t ask him too but he just does it without thinking. When I am feeling bad he will cancel any plans, even come home from work just to be with me or to make sure I am okay. Which gets me onto last weekend when he wanted to go out with his friends. This instantly put me in a bad mood (Im needy and want my boyfriend all to myself at the moment, so shoot me!!!!), I tell him I am feeling shit and all of a sudden he isn’t going out with his friends and instead we are going to have a chilled night in together.

Okay so its not just the fact Im feeling down at the moment. His male friends are drug takers who go out every weekend and cheat on their girlfriends (everything I hate in boys), and the female’s he either finds very attractive (and does not hide this from me) or are willing to be the females that the lads cheat on his girlfriends with. So I feel extremely uncomfortable with him going out with these people when Im so emotional, paranoid and feeling very very shitty about myself. When he is around these people he becomes this ‘typical boys boy’ which he certainly is not (one of the many qualities that I like about him) which makes me not trust him at all. Its not that I don’t trust him, if he went out with some of his other friends I would have 100% trust for him but its just his friends and his behaviour around them that I do not trust.

He said that he didn’t mind staying in but what 21 year old boy does not want to go out with his mates on a Saturday and drink so much he can hardly stand? He said that he didn’t mind because he got to have a night in with me but lets be honest we pretty much live together now so he gets to do that all the time.

This weekend he is going out. The funny thing is that this week has been horrendous for me, Ive been really down and having thought of harming myself. Its got so bad that I have decided to go back home for a few days so I can be surrounded by my family and friends. Obviously the thought of him going out is making me feel nauseous and part of me is angry that he isn’t being there for me, that he doesn’t think this weekend I need him more than ever.. I will never tell him that I don’t want him to go out and that I am so upset he hasn’t changed his mind about going out. I know that my depression should not stop him from enjoying his life and doing the things that he likes but does he have a responsibility to be there for me this weekend (especially because we haven’t spent any time together- just us- for a while) or am I just being a bad girlfriend?